


Search for Hiraeth

by Cocoafio



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Brother Feels, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Swearing, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29620614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cocoafio/pseuds/Cocoafio
Summary: Batman is a serial killer, Dick is dead, innocents and criminals have been killed, and Gotham once again drains everything from everyone.So, going back in time and saving Dick?If that makes Jason insane, then yeah. That’s Jason.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon & Jason Todd, Batfamily Members & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	Search for Hiraeth

_Chapter 1: Avenoir_

_Avenoir: the desire that memory could flow backwards_

_\--_

_The rubble cleared, and he blinked sluggishly, blurring outlines of rubble and the Ethiopian sky in his view. Jason could barely think or feel. His left arm didn’t respond, and he couldn’t feel the lower half of his body._

_As his head turned to look around, his vision whitened out, and he clenched his teeth to ground himself. Hah, I’m already on the ground, he thought, almost wanting to giggle._

_He blinked again with shallow breaths, grey and grey and grey and some black and blue and red filled his vision. A building…? Rubble? Black? Blue? Red – blood?_

_Jason squinted at the nearby blue, contrasting everything else, as if irritated by the sudden colour. His vision focused on the strips of blue, which reflected brightly in contrast to the black it was on. Why does that blue look familiar?_

_His eyes followed the blue stripes up to the black, and to the heavy weight on top of him, his vision blurring again._

_Ah, that was why he couldn’t move, he thought blearily, because there was someone on top of him._

_Yes – now wait, what happ –_

_… Dick? Wait, was he breathing?_

_“A-ah shit!” Jason tried to prop himself up, but pain shot through his spine, he blacked out again, and everything hurt. As the ringing in his ears slowly faded, he could faintly hear someone yelling his name._

_Overlapping with other sounds of metal hitting skin and bones. Screaming._

_Fuck. His breathing sped up and heart started pounding._

_Flashes of purple and green sped past his vision, and a faint “forehand or backhand” echoed in his head. Cracks of a metal crowbar hitting bone, screeching and sobbing grew louder and louder. His own screams. Dick’s screams?_

_Tears ran down his face as his right hand sought Nightwing’s wrist, brushing over the light blue strips of the Nightwing uniform to his still pulse point._

_Sobs gurgled out of him, and at this point, he couldn’t tell if it was the blood in his lungs or the suffocating tears._

_It didn’t matter anyway._

_Dick was dead._

* * *

Jason can feel the bile rising in his throat again, and he clutches his legs tighter to his body in the corner of the hospital room. His eyes capture the pristine sheets, but then it is once again covered in blood. Red all over, then white.

A body lies there, in the room, and on the floor – under the sheets, and under the rubble.

“Dick…” Jason tugs his hair, as he curls tighter into the corner.

“Jason…”

His eyes dart up to the figure in the bed, and instead of the older brother with the broken ribs and bloodied limbs, it’s a red-haired teary-eyed Barbara Gordon.

God, how many people has he fucked up?

How many more people will he doom to their deaths?

First Dick, then Bruce, then Babs, what next? The world?

He takes a few steadying breaths, one shakier than the last. It’s not working. Jason wants to scream but doesn’t, counting shakily and slowly from ten, hands loosening from his hair instead clenching at his sides, “I can’t do this.”

“Jason, please.”

He doesn’t want to look up and see the hatred in her eyes, disguised as pity. Burning and searing him like all her verbal accusations that everything was Jason’s fault, before offering to help again, as if the last few months haven’t happened.

“Jason.”

Jason glances upwards in an almost skittish manner, seeing a stern look before muttering, “… fuck.”

“I know it’s hard, but it’s time.”

He risks another glance, catching the stern yet teary gaze. Double fuck. He already failed her once, he can’t do it again.

“I know.” He responds numbly.

There’s a long silence that neither of them is willing to break, but she softly murmurs, because time is up.

“Good.”

Jason pushes against the wall behind, supporting his every move as he stands up.

He’s tired.

He’s tired of everything.

His eyes meet Barbara Gordon’s steely stare that has hardened once again, and he knows.

He grabs the red, yellow and green costume one last time.

It’s time for Robin to fly again.

One last time.

Jason nods at Barbara, his feet already moving towards the door and as he steps out of the room, he catches a whisper of “good luck” behind him.

It’s time.

* * *

_The rain is falling really heavily_ , he notes in the back of his mind,

_A storm is coming._

Jason stares blankly at the grey slab in front of him, his mind vacant with only a few words echoing in his mind.

_“I know you’re gone,” he sobs as his hands grasp his hair relentlessly. Jason curls tighter, knees drawing to his chest as tightly as possible. Rain is splattering down to the ground, almost covering the sound of his cries. “I- I know…”_

_“He just…”_

_“I promise, Dickie. I promise!” he cries, “I will help him. I will!”_

_His promises muffled into his sleeve._

_A broken cell phone discarded beside him._

The overarching wings of the angel statue shields him from the rain.

The empty promises echo.

* * *

It’s a crazy plan.

Jason’s aware that it is absolutely a crazy plan and if anybody knew, then they would have carted him off to Arkham in less than five seconds. It’s just that he no longer cares. To hell with everyone, and to hell with Batman, and to hell with himself – because that’s really what’s he’s doing, isn’t it?

Batman is a serial killer, Dick is dead, innocents and criminals have been killed, Gotham once again drains everything from everyone.

So, going back in time and saving Dick?

If that makes Jason insane, then yeah. That’s Jason.

A person that’s willing to mess with things that shouldn’t be touched. To do the wrong thing to save the right people. To destroy the world and protect the ones he loved.

To right what was wrong.

And in the process? Maybe he’ll save himself from this hellhole too.

**Author's Note:**

> Jason: angry at himself, at the world, and just anger because he's not *enough*
> 
> Here's a heavy dose of angst for you. Hope you enjoyed the ride, and sorry for the feels.
> 
> (Some Background Information: This was originally planned to be a series, as a multi-chapter fic, with a co-author friend who was going to write the other fic in the series. They were supposed to run alongside each other, as companion fics, but from different... perspectives. Alas, life happens, and it seems less likely this series will happen as well. But, I wanted to give this fic to this wonderful community anyway, since I had it ready.)


End file.
